Thursday, April 13, 2006

oh dear.

Someone thinks I'm sagacious! They're clearly misinformed and possibly (super) amiss in their idea of me, but hell, if some poor soul wants to think I'm perspicacious who am I to judge? Anyway, onward and upward:

Dear Abbess E,

A friend of mine* recently wrote to me with the following quandary:

"I'm sorry I've been out of touch. But I'll give you a brief update on my love life. I've got this terrible crush on this woman (yes, you heard right, woman) and it's killing me. Because I can't have her. Ok, it's worse than not being able to have her -- I actually think I could steal her away from her girlfriend of almost two years but I don't think I should. So everyday is a tug of war. I know she is having problems with her girlfriend and she does flirt with me but I don't want to be the reason she leaves her. I've never been with a woman. What if I break up this two year relationship & then decide it's not for me a week later? So I've just been waiting for her to decide if she still wants to be with her girlfriend but I'm getting impatient. I can't take her flirting with me much longer without seriously reciprocating. It's so damn hard being good. I think I'm gonna just break next weekend & make a move. If I have hot lesbian sex I'll let you know."
How shall I advise her? I await, with desperate expectancy, your reply.

Sincerely yours,Pal of Potential Sappho

*Please note that this is not one of those "friend of mine" is really ME affairs. Though I have been known to enjoy a good cliche as well as the next man.

Okay, POPS (ha), here's the deal. I've met your friend. Well, I haven't actually met your friend, but I've met That Girl a million times. That Girl is the bicurious one, the possibly even queer one who, oops, just happens to surround herself with queer women and, oops, befriends a hottie! What are the odds? This is what you tell your friend, "Honey, you answered your own question. You shouldn't break up the hottie's relationship. Can you even imagine the drama? You'll have your rebounding hottie on one hand and your own psycho-sexual drama on the other. It sounds like an angst-y, fucked up situation that can only escalate into more angst-y fucked up drama. And you're right. If you still think you're straight or at least primarily into men you'll just be hurting this girl in the long run. And speaking of run, run. Run now."

That said, who knows? Maybe your friend and her hottie are ultra drama queens. Maybe half of the attraction is based in the grief (oh the grief) and sorrow (oh the sorrow) of not having what you want. I'd like to bet that actually fucking would be anticlimactic but c'mon, we both know what will happen. Tears. An anguished reunion with the hottie's ex. Tears. Sloppy sex. Drama.

The only good thing that could come out of this - the hottie could (maybe) leave her current gf, which she obviously wants to do AND your friend could take that footstep out of the closet if she is in fact queer. Let me know what happens! I love this sort of drama now that I'm not, you know, LIVING IN IT.

Classic lesbian drama, much like your friend

1 comment:

R. Arlington, Jr. said...

I tried -- but Zadie Smith's "On Beauty" left me with a metallic after-taste in my mouth -- something synthetic (contrived & calculated) about the whole experience: sweet but low, you know? But I tried, Elizabeth -- god dammit, how I tried! How I wanted to like her, I did! I did! Would that I could...