Tuesday, April 25, 2006

big changes

Not Mr. Fabulous

Big Change 1:

Mr. F. has decided to transition officially and medically from female to male. I'm excited for him - he won't have to worry about being jumped, being yelled at in bathrooms, being scared. Some people read him as female and some people read him as male. I know that situation isn't a problem for him, it's when the two sides collide. They look to my Mr. Fabulous for an explanation and there isn't one, not really. He's a guy. He still gets a period. No wonder people get confused.

It's funny; when we're in public together solo we're totally read as a straight couple. People (men especially) don't tend to look at men, just women. And I'm so outrageously femme they (again, men especially) see a shadowy male figure by my side and figure "straight" and go back to looking at my chest. Whatever. Being read as straight by straights doesn't really bother me. Actually, I could care less. I am nervous, though, about losing the queer community. I'm a queer femme, chickens, and I can't be anything else. It's scary to think about being rejected from our dyke friends because Mr. F. is taking this step. Actually, I can't think about losing friends quite yet. It's too scary.

I realize this is all pretty incoherent. That's just about how my thought process goes about this these days. On one hand, I'm super excited for Mr. F. I'm excited for the changes, the broader shoulders and stinkier armpits (color me a freak, but I actually like the way guys smell), the whole kit and caboodle. Plus, I think he'll be even sexier (can you imagine that?) I'm attracted to transguys. And I'm really excited for him to move through a public space without trying to make himself as invisible as possible. I'm excited for him to feel safe. I'm excited for how this will affect us.

Then again, I oscillate wildly between excitement and terror. I think, wait a minute. How will this affect us? It can't be all roses. He's going to go through puberty again. I'm going to be dating the equivalent to a 14 year old boy, all hormones and moods and horniness. How will I be with that? What if the sweet, kind, fabulous guy I'm dating comes through this transition as a different person? What if he leaves with the estrogen and a dickhead is left? I know that's selling Mr. F. waaaay shorter than he deserves, but I really do think that going through a huge, life-altering process like gender/sexual transition will produce a different person. How different will he be? How different will I be? I'm so scared thinking about that. I'm scared about the stuff I just have to go through day to day.

I know I just need to trust him, trust that he's actually a good person and not sell him so short. June is when we're planning his first shot of testosterone. June is so close. Sometimes I wish he was getting the shot right now, sometimes I wish never. Sometimes it's hard to differentiate between the two.

Big Change 2:

Mr. F. and I were hanging out yesterday. We know that we'd like to buy a tiny little house somewhere in the Twin Cities (should that sentence be Big Change 2? Oh well, I'm sure you can keep up). I know that Mr. F. wants to buy a motorcycle like nothing else. Between those two big purchases, I was worried that Mr. F. wouldn't be able to propose to me in the next year (or should that sentence be Big Change 2? Yeah, we want to get hitched. Not anytime soon, but I would like to be engaged sooner than later). I asked him about it. He turned to me and said, "This is KILLING me. I HAVE to tell you. I ALREADY BOUGHT THE RING."


So I don't know when or how or where (I do know who and why, though), but Mr. F. and I will be getting ourselves engaged one of these days. We've looked at antique rings before, I can't deal with blood/civil war diamonds. I CAN deal, however, with a dead lady's diamonds.


I'm so excited to go wedding shoe shopping one of these days. It's going to be FABULOUS, darlings. FABULOUS.

So my two big changes are BIG, kids. BIG BIG BIG. And I'm very nervous and very excited for both.

This is neither me nor Mr. Fabulous.

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