i just had lunch with my mom & my sister at hell's kitchen, which is interestingly enough a family favorite. my relationship with my sister can only be described as tense. maybe contentious, even. she has an amazing lack of social skills, which translates to "i want you to love me and be my friend even as i'm calling you a fucking asshole bitch." um, psycho? it doesn't work that way. really. it just doesn't.
but, she went to med school and you know what you have to take in med school these days? bedside manner classes. they teach you how to socialize. what seems completely common sense to me was a much-needed learning experience for her. and you know what? it's helped her. she has friends now, which i've never, ever known her to have. never. can you imagine going through life totally friendless? how fucked up is that? she's no longer a total psycho bitch that i want to throw out a window whenever i see her. i mean, there are times where i have a sudden realization that i'm gripping my butter knife with white knuckles while i'm staring her down, but it's better than before where i had to actively, studiously avoid the butter knife.
lunch was better than i had thought it was going to be. having a job she loves and friends has made her less abrasive. she still sucks, but good lord, it's better than before. i could even eat with her! before she just made me want to throw up so badly that i couldn't (i know i tend to exaggerate, but that last bit is wholly serious).
now, the scandal: i was always the pretty, gregarious, skinny sister. well, "skinny" is a relative term. but skinnier than her, anyway. and let's be real - that was an important factor for me. even though i realize it's completely sexist and an asshole thing to think, i was really smug about being smaller.
and then graves' disease hit me blindside. and not just, 'oh miss, you have graves disease, let's take care of that,' oh nooooo, i have the "JESUS CHRIST!" kind of graves' disease. do i ever do anything half-measure? oh noooo, and neither does my thyroid, apparently. two rounds of radiation and one terrifying throat closing episode of radioactive thyroiditis later, i've gained some weight. i'm within the "normal" weight gain of graves' disease/radiation index, but as i've gained my little weight, my sister started working out. what. the. fuck. now she's lost 40 lbs and is almost my size. i'm terrified. i don't want to be the fat sister! aaaahhhhh!
superficial? yes. sexist? yes. stupid? not if i feel this anxious about it. so even though i'm dead tired still from the radiation, i've been hitting the gym again. my lovely, german/norwegian farm-girl muscles have atrophied, which sucks beyond belief, but I MUST WIN.
god, that's psycho.
p.s. graves' info - and can i say that if you see anything about yourself in this description, just get checked. it's so easy. just do it. graves' blows. it fucked up my heart, it fucked up my eyes, it fucked up my entire life for awhile there. what a bitch.