i've started the tussle with the financial aid people at my Tiny Canadian University (TCU). i've admirably pushed aside my severe loathing of all things involving papers, numbers, and signatures. what document has ever been created with those three elements that was filled with light and air? i'm sure some gay divorcees could tell me, but as it stands, i despise paperwork.
also, while the folks at TCU seem nice, my fears of graduate school have whittled down to this single, solitary question:
What if nobody wants to be my friend?
even writing that seems ridiculous. i'm reasonably intelligent, i have hobbies, i floss daily. really, i don't think i'm an embarrassment to humanity. i'm not some giant waste of carbon.
but still, that question dogs me. i think back on that little fat girl with the too-large glasses and too-small American Tail sweatshirt ("somewhere... out there...") whose best friends were madeleine l'engle characters. i really haven't changed wildly since then. i picked up a little (badly needed) fashion sense when i lived in milan and new york and updated my glasses. whoo, i even have contacts now. i've sustained solid adult friendships that i cherish. but i'm still impossibly nerdy, i still love characters from books, and i still love school more than i ought.
and my stomach twists at the thought of lunch on the first day of school. where will i go? should i brown bag it and eat my little sandwich under a tree? i've never gone to a small school before - huge suburban high school to humungo city university to largest private university in all the land. what if their rules are different? will i pick up on the etiquette?
maybe i should just knock back a few before i leave the apartment that day, hm?
actually... that idea has some merit... oh alcohol - the social lubricant of choice since the dawn of time. well, since the dawn of grapes and honey and wheat and hops, at any rate.