Literaryglam!

It's 1.49 a.m. Do you know where your contracts final is?

2007-05-10T01:48:00.000-05:00

Hey, so I'm in the middle of a 56 hour contract take-home hell, and I thought... time to blog! Read knitting blogs! Do anything besides curl up into a tiny ball and cry at the state of my massive final.

I mean, it's only worth 60% of my annual grade. Time to slack, right!!

So here's what this makes me look like at this very moment (instant gratification):

That's right. Creepy and suspiciously tiny-chinned. Really, I feel like my head is shrinking, not expanding with the Glory of The Law or what have you. On the other hand, my eyebrows look great still. So there's something positive.

Oh, fine. A real picture of me now, no effects:

That's right. Crazy-haired, crazy-eyed, holding Burton's damned Principles of Contract Law.

This is what I keep repeating through finals:
Law school is an honor.
I am lucky to be in law school.
Law school is a privilege.

And the mantra that rings the truest of them all:
Seriously, I did this to myself.

And fudge me, it's the truth.

i appreciate a droll sense of humor

2006-08-08T09:44:00.000-05:00

From today's NY Times:

“Why would you want to be in a stable relationship with somebody who is unstable?” asked Ketny Jean-Francois, a never-married 30-something from the Bronx who has supported her 3-year-old son on her unemployment check and food stamps since leaving her job as a security guard a year ago.

Funny, guys.

I'm plum tuckered. Mr. F's single-mom friend dropped off her two kids for the week while she goes to Stergis. They're great kids, super cute and funny, etc etc. Is it petty of me to be slightly jealous of them, though? Mr. F is resolutely determined to give them The Best Week Ever. Here's what he wants to do in six days with a three-year-old and a six-year-old:

The Park at the Mall of America
Underwater World (MoA again)
The Children's Museum
St. Paul Saints game
Waterpark
Drive-in Movie
Swimming every day at the apartment (excepting the waterpark day)

Pray for me. I'm tired just thinking about it.

OKC: I've been reading Barbara G. Walker's Knitting from the Top. That woman is such a beast!! Brilliant, insightful, helpful. She's the sort of author that 1) I wish was my aunt and 2) I wonder what her voice sounds like. Vive Barbara Walker!

how can you not love this?

2006-08-07T10:12:00.000-05:00

A headline from today's AP: "Swayze Joins Celebs Defending Mel Gibson."

Here's the first sentance:

LONDON -- Patrick Swayze has joined several of Mel Gibson's celebrity friends in defending the actor, who in a drunken tirade blamed Jews for the world's wars.

If you didn't snicker, chortle or snigger when you saw that headline, I don't know you.

no, i'm not dead

2006-08-04T12:02:00.000-05:00

So.

Hello all. It's been quite a while, hasn't it? Maybe you thought I was dead. Or maybe you thought I faked my death and am now hiding out in the casinos in Monaco, hooked on coke and rail thin and maybe with a sugar daddy named Ernesto fueling my jewelry addiction.

That's what I would think, if I were you.

Sadly, you're horribly wrong. I have been camping A LOT in the scalding forests of MN and WI lately (my sister asked, rightfully so, the other day, "What is WRONG with you? Are you some kind of extreme camper?" To which I replied, "Yes. Yes, I am."). Knitting remains on the forefront of my mind, as does my impending entrance into the realm of law school. Actually, that latter bit I usually just shove out of my mind in favor of knitting. And we all know I do favor knitting.

In honor of the recently deceased You Knit What website, behold the horror the the fugliest knitted "handbag" I've ever seen:

Dude, my gag reflex is twitching, I swear.

super fun etymology

2006-04-26T14:03:00.000-05:00

From the ever-amazing http://www.yourdictionary.com

Karaoke (noun)

Pronunciation: [kah-rê-'o-kee] Listen

Definition: Singing live to an orchestral accompaniment provided electronically or the electronic equipment for providing such accompaniment and recording the mix of voice and orchestra.

Usage: Today's word is not to be confused with "carioca" [kæ-ri-'o-kê], a native of Rio de Janeiro or a South American dance based on the samba. "Karaoke" is another lexical orphan with no other related words. (Don't miss the opportunity to meet other Word of the Day subscribers and discuss today's word in the YDC Agora.)

Suggested Usage: Karaoke is most closely associated with the karaoke bars of Japan and elsewhere, where anyone with the courage can sing to the accompaniment of a professional orchestra: "Glynnis loves karaoke because she thinks bad accompanists kept her out of show business." Today's word hasn't expanded much metaphorically because of its newness but it already shows great promise: "Slim is a karaoke player: he thinks he is the star when, in fact, it is the team behind him that makes him look good."

Etymology: "Kara-oke" is a clipping (a shortening, like "doctor" > "doc") of kara o-ke-su-to-ra "empty orchestra" where "okesutora" is the Japanese pronunciation of "orchestra," borrowed from English. Clipping also applies to "Makudonarudo" (MacDonald's), shortening it simply to "Makku." As for "kara" it is also found in kara-shuchou "empty business trip," a business trip one doesn't make but collects the expenses for, and "karate" from the Japanese phrase kara te "empty hand." Japanese phonology (sound system) differs from those of European languages in two interesting ways. First, all syllables must end on a vowel and not on any consonant except [n]. Second, all syllables must begin with a simple consonant, not a consonant cluster like [st] or [pr]. So, "McDonalds" becomes "Makudonarudo" in Japanese and "baseball" is pronounced "besubaru" [be-su-ba-ru] to avoid the [sb] cluster and final [l] in [beysbal]. (Thanks to Mark Volpe, rising young mind in the world of word formation, for suggesting and providing the background for today's word.)

–Dr. Language, YourDictionary.com

big changes

2006-04-25T14:35:00.000-05:00

Not Mr. Fabulous

Big Change 1:

Mr. F. has decided to transition officially and medically from female to male. I'm excited for him - he won't have to worry about being jumped, being yelled at in bathrooms, being scared. Some people read him as female and some people read him as male. I know that situation isn't a problem for him, it's when the two sides collide. They look to my Mr. Fabulous for an explanation and there isn't one, not really. He's a guy. He still gets a period. No wonder people get confused.

It's funny; when we're in public together solo we're totally read as a straight couple. People (men especially) don't tend to look at men, just women. And I'm so outrageously femme they (again, men especially) see a shadowy male figure by my side and figure "straight" and go back to looking at my chest. Whatever. Being read as straight by straights doesn't really bother me. Actually, I could care less. I am nervous, though, about losing the queer community. I'm a queer femme, chickens, and I can't be anything else. It's scary to think about being rejected from our dyke friends because Mr. F. is taking this step. Actually, I can't think about losing friends quite yet. It's too scary.

I realize this is all pretty incoherent. That's just about how my thought process goes about this these days. On one hand, I'm super excited for Mr. F. I'm excited for the changes, the broader shoulders and stinkier armpits (color me a freak, but I actually like the way guys smell), the whole kit and caboodle. Plus, I think he'll be even sexier (can you imagine that?) I'm attracted to transguys. And I'm really excited for him to move through a public space without trying to make himself as invisible as possible. I'm excited for him to feel safe. I'm excited for how this will affect us.

Then again, I oscillate wildly between excitement and terror. I think, wait a minute. How will this affect us? It can't be all roses. He's going to go through puberty again. I'm going to be dating the equivalent to a 14 year old boy, all hormones and moods and horniness. How will I be with that? What if the sweet, kind, fabulous guy I'm dating comes through this transition as a different person? What if he leaves with the estrogen and a dickhead is left? I know that's selling Mr. F. waaaay shorter than he deserves, but I really do think that going through a huge, life-altering process like gender/sexual transition will produce a different person. How different will he be? How different will I be? I'm so scared thinking about that. I'm scared about the stuff I just have to go through day to day.

I know I just need to trust him, trust that he's actually a good person and not sell him so short. June is when we're planning his first shot of testosterone. June is so close. Sometimes I wish he was getting the shot right now, sometimes I wish never. Sometimes it's hard to differentiate between the two.

Big Change 2:

Mr. F. and I were hanging out yesterday. We know that we'd like to buy a tiny little house somewhere in the Twin Cities (should that sentence be Big Change 2? Oh well, I'm sure you can keep up). I know that Mr. F. wants to buy a motorcycle like nothing else. Between those two big purchases, I was worried that Mr. F. wouldn't be able to propose to me in the next year (or should that sentence be Big Change 2? Yeah, we want to get hitched. Not anytime soon, but I would like to be engaged sooner than later). I asked him about it. He turned to me and said, "This is KILLING me. I HAVE to tell you. I ALREADY BOUGHT THE RING."

OH HOLY SHIT.

So I don't know when or how or where (I do know who and why, though), but Mr. F. and I will be getting ourselves engaged one of these days. We've looked at antique rings before, I can't deal with blood/civil war diamonds. I CAN deal, however, with a dead lady's diamonds.

Again, OH HOLY SHIT.

I'm so excited to go wedding shoe shopping one of these days. It's going to be FABULOUS, darlings. FABULOUS.

So my two big changes are BIG, kids. BIG BIG BIG. And I'm very nervous and very excited for both.

This is neither me nor Mr. Fabulous.

sushi? moonies?

2006-04-25T12:30:00.000-05:00

Now, ordinarily I'd scoff at articles that seriously linked Moonies to multinationals. Apparently that's just naive. According to this Chicago Tribune article, the majority of the US's sushi comes from True World Group company which operates under the dictates of Mr. Moon himself. Fuck. And I love sushi too. What to do? What to do?

Choice quote:

Adhering to a plan Moon spelled out more than three decades ago in a series of sermons, members of his movement managed to integrate virtually every facet of the highly competitive seafood industry. The Moon followers' seafood operation is driven by a commercial powerhouse, known as True World Group. It builds fleets of boats, runs dozens of distribution centers and, each day, supplies most of the nation's estimated 9,000 sushi restaurants.

oh dear.

2006-04-13T17:21:00.000-05:00

Someone thinks I'm sagacious! They're clearly misinformed and possibly (super) amiss in their idea of me, but hell, if some poor soul wants to think I'm perspicacious who am I to judge? Anyway, onward and upward:

Dear Abbess E,

A friend of mine* recently wrote to me with the following quandary:

"I'm sorry I've been out of touch. But I'll give you a brief update on my love life. I've got this terrible crush on this woman (yes, you heard right, woman) and it's killing me. Because I can't have her. Ok, it's worse than not being able to have her -- I actually think I could steal her away from her girlfriend of almost two years but I don't think I should. So everyday is a tug of war. I know she is having problems with her girlfriend and she does flirt with me but I don't want to be the reason she leaves her. I've never been with a woman. What if I break up this two year relationship & then decide it's not for me a week later? So I've just been waiting for her to decide if she still wants to be with her girlfriend but I'm getting impatient. I can't take her flirting with me much longer without seriously reciprocating. It's so damn hard being good. I think I'm gonna just break next weekend & make a move. If I have hot lesbian sex I'll let you know."
How shall I advise her? I await, with desperate expectancy, your reply.

Sincerely yours,Pal of Potential Sappho

*Please note that this is not one of those "friend of mine" is really ME affairs. Though I have been known to enjoy a good cliche as well as the next man.

Okay, POPS (ha), here's the deal. I've met your friend. Well, I haven't actually met your friend, but I've met That Girl a million times. That Girl is the bicurious one, the possibly even queer one who, oops, just happens to surround herself with queer women and, oops, befriends a hottie! What are the odds? This is what you tell your friend, "Honey, you answered your own question. You shouldn't break up the hottie's relationship. Can you even imagine the drama? You'll have your rebounding hottie on one hand and your own psycho-sexual drama on the other. It sounds like an angst-y, fucked up situation that can only escalate into more angst-y fucked up drama. And you're right. If you still think you're straight or at least primarily into men you'll just be hurting this girl in the long run. And speaking of run, run. Run now."

That said, who knows? Maybe your friend and her hottie are ultra drama queens. Maybe half of the attraction is based in the grief (oh the grief) and sorrow (oh the sorrow) of not having what you want. I'd like to bet that actually fucking would be anticlimactic but c'mon, we both know what will happen. Tears. An anguished reunion with the hottie's ex. Tears. Sloppy sex. Drama.

The only good thing that could come out of this - the hottie could (maybe) leave her current gf, which she obviously wants to do AND your friend could take that footstep out of the closet if she is in fact queer. Let me know what happens! I love this sort of drama now that I'm not, you know, LIVING IN IT.

Classic lesbian drama, much like your friend

happiness, part 2

2006-04-07T18:58:00.000-05:00

3/10/2006

2006-04-07T18:42:00.000-05:00

Almost a month ago I let my Chilly Willy go. I miss her so much everyday. Here are two pics of us on her last day.

I just hope she's okay. I hope she knows I still love her.

those simpsons, they're so clever

2006-04-07T15:07:00.000-05:00

I still haven't seen this episode and I still haven't read Gravity's Rainbow but oh, those Simpsons are funny.

18 lbs and whad'ya get?

2006-04-07T10:46:00.000-05:00

Okay.

So let's say you decide to send 18 lbs of stuff to your ex two years after the breakup. What would you put in the box? Meaningful old letters? Forgotten favorite sweaters? Old books? Photos? That'd be nice of you.

But let's say instead you fill your 18 lb box to your former lover with old bills, hated sports bras, shoes that pinch, old college assignment sheets (and let's say your former lover graduated, oh, four years ago?). Maybe you'll throw in some random books and yes, a stack of prized photos.

Now, of that list, I get the photos. That's nice. But the ratty sweatshirts? The bridesmaid dress that went with the most horrible wedding ever, complete with the archetypical Bridezilla? Why? It's CLEARLY trash, but hey, why not go through the hassle of packing and sending a huge ass box of random crap?

I remain mystified.

If you did all of the above, you and The Ex would be great friends. Maybe you could even go bowling together and commiserate about your days in Crazyville. Feel free to kick it on the weekends but for the love of our lord above please don't breed. That's my singular, humble request.

Ach, lest you think I'm a bitter, bitter lady (I'm only mildly bitter, promise) let's fill the rest of this space with good things! Last night was my friend Jessica's birthday, a truly lovely lady. First we had cookies at our book group (the funny and utterly fierce eclectic Dykes) and then Thai food (Thai It, You'll Like It!) It's so funny to think how things have changed in the past two years. I remember being sick, being lonely. That real kind of loneliness that distorts things, makes intimacy seem scary and dark. Makes friends hard to find or see. I feel really lucky these days. Maybe it was all getting my Graves' stuff under control but I think it's more than that. I feel like my life is settling in comfortable ways, and comfort in the best sense of the term. That's exciting to me, you know? Lucky.

OH! And I've had a fire lit under me to get a tattoo. I'd like to go to this cool-looking local place, the artist seems like she does really beautiful work. I've had the idea of a snowflake rolling around in my brain for the last few years and I've finally decided where I'd like it - upper back, just under the nape. Here's the sort of snowflake I'm thinking about - the kind of that make me think of rose windows and mandalas:

Namaste, of course, remains unblocked, unseamed, and unloved.

that's it, i'm moving.

2006-04-05T10:31:00.000-05:00

From today's New York Times:

BOSTON, April 4 — Massachusetts is poised to become the first state to provide nearly universal health care coverage with a bill passed overwhelmingly by the legislature Tuesday that Gov. Mitt Romney says he will sign.

The bill does what health experts say no other state has been able to do: provide a mechanism for all of its citizens to obtain health insurance. It accomplishes that in a way that experts say combines methods and proposals from across the political spectrum, apportioning the cost among businesses, individuals and the government.

Universal health care AND gay marriage? Fuck this Minnesota shit, I want to move to Massachusetts! They're the only rational state in the union these days. AND I wouldn't have to deal with visa issues a la Canada.

Besides, I hear it's quite lovely there in the fall.

word of the day: Atrabilious

2006-04-04T12:06:00.000-05:00

Atrabilious (adjective)

Pronunciation: [æ-trê-'bi-li-ês] Listen

Definition: Peevishly gloomy; melancholic in the original sense of the word and exhibiting a proclivity for hypochondria.

Usage: The medieval assumption was that a superfluity of black bile (atrabile) caused melancholy, a gloomy and nasty disposition (black bile being one of the four humors flowing throughout the body—blood, phlegm, and choler, the other three). Now, "melancholy" has come to refer to little more than a pensive mood, perhaps soured by a jigger of depression. Today's word, though, retains the original meaning of peevish gloom, a setback many of us suffer (or enjoy) from time to time. "Atrabiliously" is the adverb and ”atrabiliousness" is the noun.

Suggested Usage: First, remember that the original meaning of today's word was pseudo-medical, so it always works in that context, "The dinner of cabbage and Polish sausage left Waldemar a bit dyspeptic and atrabilious, so he went home to call his doctor." But today it has become a fascinating substitute for "bad mood," whether passing or permanent: "Don't waste your jokes on Hammersmith; that atrabilious old goat has no sense of humor."
Etymology: From Latin atra bilis black bile + adjective suffix -ous. "Atra" comes from the same root as the adjective atrox "gloomy, dark, terrible," whose adverb, atrociter "violently, cruelly" underlies English "atrocity." Apparently, the connection is through "black" from the idea of "burnt." These words are somehow related to Sanskrit atharva "priest," and more clearly to Serbian vatra "fire" and Persian ataš "fire" from Old Persian "atar." Apparently, Latin atrium "atrium, foyer" shares the same origin, though the connection between fires and Roman atria is unclear. (Scott Stambler, a bit atrabilious himself at the time, sent us today's word.)

–Dr. Language, YourDictionary.com

18 lbs of drama, people.

2006-04-03T17:44:00.000-05:00

So.

I have this ex. The Ex, if you will (and oh, shall we). We dated for four tumultuous years. I would cry to Rich that'd we'd broken up (again) and he'd pat my shoulder with the appropriately sympathetic look on his face and then say, "Hey! Let's watch some Buffy!" and go off skipping. The man was bored with the breakups - who can blame him? I was bored. Well, actually, I was full of angst and confusion and overwhelming amounts of drama. Want to see a typical day? Okay, my chickens little, here it is:

Wake up.

Breakfast (low fat, low cal) She worried about my weight "for my health," even though she was a documented former and unreformed ana and loathed fat people. She liked my chest, hated the accompanying belly fat. You know, "for my health." Yep.

Stumble to work.

Work.

Lunch (low fat, low cal) See aforementioned reasons.

Work.

Sneak in my covert high sugar/salty snack treat. Be consumed with guilt and shame.

Work.

Stagger home.

Fight about going to the gym. Me: "You should love me for who I am!" Her: "You don't care about yourself!"

Break up.

Workout at the gym.

Get back together with a lot of tears.

Eat dinner (low fat, low cal)

Watch TV

Discuss maybe breaking up again.

Decide against it.

Go to bed.

Lather, rinse repeat.

Notice the lack of sex? Yeah, me too. Now stretch that day into FOUR YEARS and tell me you wouldn't walk out of that relationship with major issues and consequentially run through a herd of fucked up alcoholic queers with anger issues (of varying degrees). It's still a wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles that I found the nicest, cutest queer around, Mr. F. Seriously, it's so weird.

Anyway, the Ex decided to run through the old apartment and decided that two years after the breakup would be a good time to send me 18 lbs of my old crap. Clearly, I've been missing it. Or she thinks so at least. In her email of "Hey, I'm sending you 18 lbs of stuff!" she also said, "Hey, I want to be friends now! Let's email each other!"

Um, no.

Good lord no.

How do I go about saying "Um, no. Good lord no" without coming off mega bitch? The girl training in me decrees that I suck it up and email her short missives every so often and be her friend. The rational feminist training in me decrees that I can fill my life with whomever I goddamned please. Obviously, I'm going with the latter.

This is what I'm contemplating as my reply:

Dear Ex,

Thanks so much for sending my 18 lbs of stuff! I'm excited to see what's in it. As for e-mailing, I don't think it's a good idea. You're an awesome person and we had some really good times, but I think we had too much drama for too long to have a real, solid friendship. I hope you're doing okay these days and thanks again for sending my stuff along,

Take care,
Elizabeth

How's that sound? To businessy? Too fake? It's not - it's 100% true but sometimes it's hard to tell what's real in email.

As I've been recently clued into, flah, I say. Flah.

OKC:
Namaste is finished, I just need to block and, gulp, seam. I hate seaming but I figure having a project with a shitlong seam is a good way to get me to do it and hopefully, hate it a little less.

Also, I just found out today that I'm referred to as "The HRC Sticker Girl" at work. I mean, yeah, I have a small HRC sticker hanging up here at work, but that gets me a whole title? I mean, go gay pride and all that, but still. Shiiit, at least I'm not "The Dead Plant Girl," which I could easily, easily be.

well, shit.

2006-03-31T16:35:00.000-06:00

I just wrote the best post ever. Fucking blogger. I'll try to recreate the genius soon, peeps.

oh lordy

2006-03-27T14:47:00.000-06:00

I've been obsessively checking The Village Voice today for the updated Savage Love. Sadly, it's Monday, not Tuesday. I arrange my week around Savage Love (Tuesday afternoon) and Dear Prudence on Slate. com (Thursday mornings). They neatly slice up my little week into digestible bits. I like that I have something to look forward to every other day of my week, even if it's small and pretty silly.

I think I especially need those little markers because my weekend was, well, complicated. I had visitors - Mr. F's parents from South Dakota (of the newly infamous misogynistic laws - but don't worry, they're crazy liberal. Yay). They're nice people, but I have complicated feelings about them, especially towards Mr. F.'s mother. She's a nice lady in theory but something gets tangled in the practice. I could go into that with a lot of depth and fervor (which I'm sure would make great reading) but I just can't dissect Mr. F.'s folks in public. They're individuals. That's all that needs to be said.

I am knitting the lovely namaste from Knitty . com. It's knitting up beautifully. Mine is all purple cheap shit yarn. It kind of feels like I'm knitting with garbage bags. Eh, it's a fun knit and it's zipping along. It's a belated birthday present for my friend Liz. Lovely girl, lovely knitter, lovely yoga aficionado. I don't think she knows how to do cables yet so I'm sure this'll wow her completely. Chrimmeny I love that. It's so simple but I come off it so pro. Lovely.

my infinite grace and goodwill

2006-03-24T13:52:00.000-06:00

Imagine, if you would, your upper thigh, preferably the widest part. Supermodels, think about a tree trunk. Now imagine your thigh/tree trunk wrapped around my left ankle. Add a lot of black and a little blue. E voila! You have my lovely sprained ankle!

As I was running for the bus on Wednesday, my already weak as shit ankle turned. After having my ankles spontaneously turn on me for 26 years at this point, I'm usually pretty quick to correct my balance. Frenzied running kind of made that impossible. Now, I'm a klutzy girl. I fall all the time (did I ever tell you about the semester in college when I had that inner ear imbalance? Bloody times, my friends. Buckets of blood and many pairs of ripped pants). Usually I just roll with it - the roll is very important in falling - brush myself off and jump back up red-faced. This time though I landed square in the middle of the street and for a brief, horrifying moment I wasn't sure if I could get up. I knew the fall had to have looked bad when people started getting out of their cars to see if I was okay. Um, embarrassing. I hobbled onto the bus where I got a good stare by everyone who could see out of the front of the bus. Thank god the driver waited for my sore ass. If he had pulled away from the bus I would have thrown myself in front of it. I mean really, what more did I have to injure?

The unexpected bonus of having a super sprained as shit ankle is the kid glove treatment of Mr. F (who already is weirdly nice to me. It's so strange being with someone who isn't, you know, a complete psycho asshole) AND I get to wear my ghetto sneakers to work!!! I can't tell you how the inner bum in me rejoiced when I realized that. Of course I didn't jump up and down or anything (oh we'll be having none of that, thank you very much) but oh, my heart was full of glee.

That said, I'm already bored with my injury. I'm done with it. Unfortunately it's not done with me. Bastard ankle.

if this doesn't thrill you, then you are no friend of mine

2006-03-22T11:56:00.000-06:00

Chaucer has a blog, everyone!! High nerdery indeeded!!

I love it!!

2006-03-17T23:16:00.000-06:00

Take the quiz:
What Musical Are You?

Once More With Feeling
You're Once More With Feeling! This isn't a real musical... It's the musical episode of BtVS. So, feel lucky to be one of the best shows ever! You're moody, and indifferent at times, but you're learning to be more of a people person.

Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!

burn out

2006-03-03T11:21:00.000-06:00

Occasionally, I get a raging case of job burn out. Today is such a day. Sometimes when my boss sees something he doesn't want to see from my research and raises a fuss, I just want to stomp my foot and slam the door behind me. Is that so wrong? I don't think so either.

I think I'm just not a financial researcher at heart. My job is a good job, great benefits, intelligent work, room to move and learn. All very good and well. And I know a lot of people would be delighted to die in this job. I am just not one of them. You know what I think gets me? I know I'm grossly underqualified for this job but I get to keep it because I put up a good front. I had no idea how important fronting was in the workplace, really, until I got here. Hi, I was a literature major. Hi, I don't like basic math. What the hell am I doing reading cash flow statements? When did my life begin revolving around balance sheets?

All I can say is that I hope for a few things:
1) I make it out of here unscathed
2) I make it out of here before they see through the front
3) I don't get fired and have to declare bankruptcy (that would blow)

This is not me (but it sort of is).

little golden books that never made it

2006-03-02T16:10:00.000-06:00

a recent gift to me from my former 9th grade science teacher...

Little Golden Books that Never Made It

1. You Are Different and That's Bad

2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

3. Dad's New Wife Robert

4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

9. All Cats Go to Hell

10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

11. Some Kittens Can Fly

12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption

13. Grandpa Gets a Casket

14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

17. Strangers Have the Best Candy

18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

19. You Were an Accident

20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games

22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan

23. Your Nightmares Are Real

24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

a great many things

2006-03-02T09:39:00.000-06:00

So so so many things. So little time to blog.

1) I've taken up bellydancing and frankly, I love it to an insane degree. I've just finished my first eight week session and have signed up for the next eight week session! My very adorable teacher Kristina calls my friends and me "The Peanut Gallery" because we're so squirrelly. Example of said squirreliness? My friend Jess and I pretended to bellydance as if we were cojoined twins. Kristina just rolled her eyes, laughed, and walked away. She's a very patient person. A picture of the lovely hip scarf I bought is on the left!

2) Mr. F and I just had the most fabulous vacation ever in glorious Duluth (MN pronunciation: Doooo-lute). I was a little iffy about the cabin I rented for us. I thought, this place looks like it could be shoddy. And I really didn't want shoddy. Mr. F and I haven't gotten to spend a lot of time together because of his crazy schedule (school and work) and I can't go over there with my dog CW any more because he got some nasty hategram about "NO DOGS EVER" blah blah blah. So this weekend was really important to me.

Well, shiiiit, that place rocked. It was cheap as the day is long but so well-kept. So clean. And really, what more can one ask for? Our little one bedroom cabin had a full kitchen and a fireplace. The kitchen came in handy because we really didn't leave the cabin AT ALL. Yum. I guess Mr. F missed me too.

Here are some pics from the cabin's website - this is pretty true to form. But because it was February when we went, just add way way way way more snow.

It's so beautiful up there. God, that was the nicest vacation I've ever hand, hands down. No drama, no stress, nada. Just sex, food, sex, food, long walk, sex and passing out from exhaustion. The best.

3) The worst, however, is what's happening with my dog Chilly Willy. I never understood why everyone hated on her. I'd be all, "You just hate little dogs. She's my baby. Why do you hate my baby, hater?" And they'd be all, "Your dog scares the shit out of me. Ow! Ow! She's biting me! AHHHH!"

And I'd think, "Well, she wouldn't bite if you didn't provoke her. Stop moving/talking/breathing/looking at things so much. She doesn't like it."

Well, but I knew when I took CW in as a foster dog three years ago we would someday have to part. I want babies and I have zero doubt she'd kill any competition (babies included). That is not an exaggeration. I know she would gladly maim or kill a child. She's just that way.

So I started talking to a small dog rescue group in town and explained my situation with her. I told them the ideal person to take CW in would have the following traits/habits:

They'd either live alone or with one partner
They'd either work from home or have an abbreviated schedule
They'd keep a totally consistent schedule
They wouldn't travel
They wouldn't have people over
No children, no grandchildren ever
They'd be familiar with chihuahuas
They'd be familiar with aggressive dogs
They'd be willing to live with a very aggressive dog

Um, what? So basically a monk, a really gentle monk that didn't have his brothers around very much and had a lot of time to give to CW. As I went through the process of this I realized that I'm just not going to find that for her. And I seriously doubt I'd find anyone who would be as patient and nice to her as I am. Period.

So next Friday evening at 5:40 pm CW is going to go to the Great Farm in the Sky. I don't say that to be flip. I have this image of her cuddling on God's lap, which is trite and cheesy but it really helps. I'm going to miss her so much. The last three years have been hard - dealing with radiation and all my Grave's disease stuff, getting out of a bad four year relationship and subsequently dating a long line of psycho assholes, money problems, deciding against grad school. Granted all of these thing have ultimately been for the better but none of them were a treat to go through. She was the one constant, the dependable tail waggler, my little lap warmer. She always looks at me with pure adoration and I'm going to miss her little face so much. It's hard, but I know this is right. My vet said it best when I talked this over with her: CW is physically healthy but mentally ill. She bites everyone, including my dad and Mr. F (aka her pack). And dogs are hard-wired to not bite or fight with those in their pack. She's just off and is a dangerous dog. It's not a matter of if she maims/hurts/kills someone, it's a matter of when. That's a hard realization to come to about your baby. I'm so sad about it, I'm going to grieve, but I know it's right. My poor baby. We love each other so much. I'm going to really miss her.

Free to Stitch, Free to Bitch

2006-01-19T16:51:00.000-06:00

Go to this site immediately and do what they say:
http://www.cafepress.com/saynotosfse/

I'm so angry about this. Some shit store (careful about that link; I'd hate to burn your retinas off) in New York is claiming the term "Stitch and Bitch" was invented by them and thus everyone is shitting on their intellectual property. My left foot! That term has been around probably as long as knitting needles and I know for SURE these losers didn't make it up. As it were, they've written cease and desist letters to CafePress and Yahoo! to stop people from selling/using that name. So, I've taken it upon myself to write my own cease and desist letter to these losers. Behold my righteous anger:

Dear Elissa K and the other fascists of Sew Fast Sew Easy,

Please consider this to be your cease and desist letter to stop being such idiot assholes. You are shaming the knitting/crafting community with your plot to horde the Stitch and Bitch title (or Stitch 'n Bitch, Stitch 'n' Bitch, etc.). Who do you think you are? You "invented" the term? Wow, what a coincidence, I invented knitting myself! Actually, I also invented the verb and noun "sew," so you should stop infringing on my intellectual property. I'll let you continue to use the term "sew" if you agree to license it from me for the low, low cost of GETTING OVER YOURSELF.

Seriously, knock it off. Drop your application, tell Yahoo! and CafePress that Stitch 'n Bitch is a term that belongs to the knitting community as a whole, and not to a select few asshats (that would be you, in case you're confused). You're embarrassing yourself.

Freely Stitch and Bitching,
Elizabeth

You can email them yourself at info@sewfastseweasy.com and/or store@sewfastseweasy.com.

Feel free to call the store to give them a piece of your mind!! 212-268-4321
I sure as shit called them, and I'm going to call until I can speak with a manager. What a load of bull.

Friday. Joy.

2006-01-13T12:18:00.000-06:00

It's a lonely, lonely day today for no apparent reason. The sun has returned; it felt so good on my face as I drove into work this morning. And last night was fabulous - had sushi with Mr. F and some friends for our anniversaries (they fall on the same date, one month apart weirdly enough). Had cake. Had sex. Seriously, it was all so good.

But this morning was different. It was heavy, it was sad. Thankfully, I made lunch plans with Mr. F and found this site, which cheered me up enormously. Maybe I'm nostalgic for the dead of winter? Maybe I just needed to sleep longer? Either way, I woke up seriously Debbie Downer, chickens.

I think I need a little knitting therapy, kids. Stat.

I love tiny nutty dogs

2006-01-03T12:01:00.000-06:00

Shades of my own little heart, Chilly Willy...

Officer on duty is bitten by Chihuahuas

Thanks to Yarnagogo for providing the link!

Happy New Year!

2006-01-03T10:00:00.000-06:00

Ah, my triumphant return to The Law Firm, L.L.P. today - a truly busy day of personal email, knitting, and finding a therapist. The workload has dried up. Vanished. The first few days were great. I applied to law schools! I knit feverishly! I made lists! Now, I'm stuck in a windowless office on a grey day in Minneapolis with 6.5 hours stretched out in front of me. I'm going to knit, I'm going to have a marathon phone call with Mr. F. (a daily occurrence, actually, that's not contingent on workload or lack thereof. I just like talking to him), and other than that I really don't know what to do. I didn't bring my gym clothes because I was rushing madly this morning to leave the house (an aside - I was only an hour late! When you have no responsibilities or expectations at your job, the start of the workday tends to become somewhat flexible). A truly happy way to start the new year.

And thinking of the new year, I finally made my resolution. I really started making them two years ago when I pledged to see more live music. It kept it on my mind and that year I really did see more live music. Last year it was to see more art, which worked out too. This year's is a tad different - I really want to give myself a monthly breast exam. I think I can do that twelve times a year, right? Also a part of my resolution: encourage my friends to do the same. As far as resolutions go, this one holds way more weight than "I'm so fat!" and that typical shit. Above all else, I am secure in being smugly morally superior to all of my friends. That makes resolutions all worth it, baby.

Coming this week - pictures from my new digital camera! It'll be straight up hardcore knitting porn, chickens little. I can't wait.

Happy Halloween

2005-12-29T16:41:00.000-06:00

Here are some lovely Halloween pictures from this year. I'd like to point out the badge was home made and distressingly, I already owned everything required for that costume to work.

12/29 resolutions

2005-12-29T16:17:00.000-06:00

The internet seems awash with New Year's resolutions. Crazy Aunt Purl has an excellent list, but most seem pretty mundane a la "I wanna be skinner because thin woman = happy woman" and other such bullshit. Of course, I mock it but I'm sucked into it all the same. Mr. F and I are going to a big lesbo gala thing on January 7th, and frankly, it smells deliciously like a big gay prom. I'm stoked. I'm wearing this pretty dress:

But in this pretty color:

Frankly, I feel super hottt in this baby. It has a drape-y, Hollywood starlet back and the little sparkly things on the straps somewhat resemble snowflakes, which I love. I'm wearing the amazingly lovely ring and bracelet Mr. F. gave me for Christmas. I seriously cannot wait. I'm going with all my lovely dyke friends and it's going to be the best big gay prom/gala thing ever. Of this, I have no doubt.

So, while I don't have a New Year's resolution yet, I do have a 12/29 resolution. I am seriously going to try to go to the gym every day until the 7th. Clearly, I like my goals to be manageable. I feel so silly writing that - am I so brainwashed by the patriarchy that I can't just feel super hot in my pretty periwinkle dress? Must I go to the gym? Good work, patriarchy, nice job. Color me brainwashed.

Obsessing

2005-12-28T14:47:00.000-06:00

All I can think about today is when I lived in Italy my class took a trip somewhere in the north. I seriously can't remember where. Near Como? Some other lake? Whatever. Anyway, there was a little old church in the middle of the little old town. Not too different than 1.4 million other little old Italian towns, right? Well, in the corner of this little old Italian church was a larger-than-life Jesus propped in the corner looming over the congregation. He was at such an angle that it eerily felt like I was getting topped by Jesus. Someone had, horrifyingly enough, put a brown wig on J.C. I've never seen such a bloody Jesus, such a huge Jesus, such a fucking scary as hell Dom Jesus.

I have no idea why that image keeps popping into my head.

high drama!

2005-12-20T13:55:00.000-06:00

High drama this morning at The Law Firm LLP. A very nice, very tiny attorney brought in cookies his pastry chef sister acquired at a pastry chef cookie exchange. Sounds like heaven, doesn't it? That's what everyone on my floor thought until people started swelling and sliding into unconsciousness - three people are now in the hospital.

Of course, I had three of the scrumptious death treats. There were about ten different kinds to choose from, so I figure I still have a fighting chance in avoiding a trip to the ER. I'm all jittery - I just itched my hand, christ, does that mean I'm on death's doorstep? I'm kind of thirsty, should I alert my coworkers? I joke but I am rather on edge. From now on, I'll only imbibe prepackaged, fake, trans-fatty goodness here at work. None of this pastry chef bullshit from now on. Yikes.

OKC:
My mother's diamond lace shawl moves slowly, a little too slowly. I'm going to whip up some fuzzyfeet for her for Christmas; she'll get the stole after the holidays. My sister's handbag is done - it's lovely and the KnitPicks yarn felted beautifully indeed. My own design! Bitch better like it or we'll have words. I have a hat sitting in front of me for Mr. Fabulous' fabulous roommate, Miss May. I have nothing to do today at work so I have a potential of 7.5 knitting hours before me. What do I choose to do? Freak about potentially poisoned cookies and read the archives of I Blame the Patriarchy (a lovely read, I must say).

I just itched my elbow. Imminent death or dry wintry skin???

Brilliant, part 2

2005-12-15T11:50:00.000-06:00

I just busted a gut at this little movie movie - go watch it now!!!

Christmas cards of the famous

2005-12-15T10:31:00.000-06:00

Brilliant Christmas cards of the famous, generously provided by Mark Morford:

Infidels shall pay by the mighty hand of Allah! Saddam not returning to dishonorable courtroom! OK seriously, happy holidays and thanks to CIA for totally botching kangaroo trial. So funny! Saddam is way humored! By the way, Osama is living like a king just off Jersey turnpike on Karl Rove's dime. I have proof! By the way, I was brutal heartless dictator and even I ran my country better than U.S. Ha! "Nation-building" my big fuzzy butt! By the way, I know where WMD is located! Inside scary capri pants of Ann Coulter! Ha! OK, back to laughing in face of infidel judge. Peace out.-- Saddam

Yo my peoples. I been shot nine times. Please buy my horrible video game. Most overrated rapper of the year! But yo, I look mean and badass, yo! Can't dance like Usher can't sing like Kanye can't rhyme like Em, but yo I sure can gangsta bling cool! I been shot nine times. Check out my new line of custom-embroidered linens at Pottery Barn, in the Northgate Mall. I'll be there 'tween 3 and 4 signin' pomegranate-scented candles and Berettas, yo. Merry Xmas. Peace out. I been shot nine times.-- 50 Cent

It's funny because it's true.

I'm horrified

2005-12-13T10:13:00.000-06:00

I saw this on Threadbared and found it so frightening, so heinous, so hideous, so truly awful that
I wanted to post it myself, too! Go read Threadbared's comments on this shit. Now. Trust me, it's hilarious.

work, etc.

2005-12-13T09:41:00.000-06:00

This coming Thursday is The Law Firm, LLC's annual holiday party. I'm so torn - I went last year and the food, drinks, and decorations were amazing, but I was still obligated to talk to coworkers about non-work issues. I've come to the realization that I'm not so fond of my coworkers knowing anything about me. Actually, I'm weirdly secretive. I'm not in the firm's phone book of home numbers (somehow that's a deal here) and I avoid social situations with my colleagues like I would avoid ebola. It's not like I hate my coworkers, it's just that I have no idea what to say to them. I can shoot the breeze with a 45-year-old dyke with the greatest of ease, but what do I say to a 45-year-old straight woman who's wearing a sweater with reindeer, jingle bells and Santa exploding on it? I just look at them and think, I will never be you. Who are you anyway?

That said, I do like the food and drink and decorations. It is so wrong to silently drink the free wine and eat some shrimp in the corner table by myself? If anything, it'll just serve to bolster my rep here. And that's clearly something that needs bolstering.

Deja parle (sans accents, pardon)

2005-12-13T09:35:00.000-06:00

I am the High Queen of Staticland. My reign is supreme and none doubt My superiority. Even so, I will generously give you proof of My staticness:

1. My hair is like Drew Barrymore a la Firestarter

2. I zap (Zap! Not shock. Zap!) everyone I deign to touch.

3. My clothes look like I have a full velcro bodysuit underneath and I've been in some unfortunate positions, hence, the clothing weirdness/cling.

4. My lineage is from a proud family of static-prone peoples.

All hail the Queen! Long live the Queen!

Statically yours,
Her High Royal Highness Elizabeth of Staticland

ugh. tuesdays.

2005-11-15T16:11:00.000-06:00

So many people hate on Mondays, but aren't Tuesdays the very worst? At least on Monday you can warmly recollect the weekend's happy memories (or hazy, depending). But on Tuesday, you're in the thick of the work week - trapped. Wednesdays are Hump Days, Thursdays are the early start to the weekend, Fridays are the weekend. But Tuesdays are Trap Days. Ugh. Tuesdays.

Thankfully, I have St. Knitterifierous on my side. I'm knee deep in the holiday knitting. I've made the back and front of a handbag I'm eventually going to felt. However, I have 1.4 million other projects and the LSAT to study for. The next 20 days or so are going to be interesting, to say the least.

And two big trips are on the horizon: Aberdeen SD and Cancun Mexico. I like to mix it up. Aberdeen is this coming weekend. It's Mr. Fabulous' hometown. I've never been to South Dakota before (well, I went once when I was inchoate, so that doesn't really count). I'm excited.

Cancun is a fabulous dream - a friend of a friend owns a house there and is renting it to us for dirt cheap. Dirty cheap, even. Apparently this lady went down there this weekend to see if it was still standing and whatnot but if it's all clear, I'll be knitting on the beach in April! Whee!

In other things, Mr. Fabulous and I joined Weight Watchers together. It feels good to have control over something that seems so simple, like it should always have been in control. I think it'll go well - Mr. Fabulous is an amazing cook and is competitive like me about things like this. Although I've heard this a million times before, it really does help to have someone being annoyingly on target to keep you on track (and someone to feel morally superior to when they're off track).

p.s. Today's ennui and general sense of saturninity obviously makes my sentence structure very short. Weird.

yeah, what?!

2005-11-11T16:46:00.001-06:00

quotation marks
You scored 53% Sociability and 82% Sophistication!

There is a lot more to you than meets the eye. You certainly get plenty of "action," but you'd be happier if those who lusted after you were more selective. You hate being used as a general intensifier; haven't these people ever heard of underlining? Italics? And yes, you remember the cruel words Mr. Joyce directed at you. But you let none of this get you down; those who abuse you are destined for a "special" reward, sooner or later. You feel particularly warm toward periods, commas, exclamation points, and question marks, and usually wish to have them next to you. Parenthesis can sometimes trouble you.

shaft, by way of chaucer

2005-10-28T10:01:00.000-05:00

enjoy, kiddies:

Wha be tha blake prevy lawe
That bene wantoun too alle tha feres?
SHAFT!
Ya damne righte!

Wha be tha carl tha riske is hals wolt
Fro is allye leve?
SHAFT!
Konne ye?

Wha be tha carl wha ne wolden flee
Whan peril bene all aboughte?
SHAFT!
Verray!

Alle clepe tha carl ane badde mooder-
SOFTE!
Speken of Shaft bene I.
THAN KONNE ALLES WE!

He be a man konne unnethes
Namo save is mayde konnes im.
JOHN SHAFT!

i am that weird girl at work

2005-10-21T16:32:00.000-05:00

It's official: I am the workplace loon.

I'm broke (as usual) and in desperate need of a haircut. I also loathe split ends. So, for fun, I grab small chunks of hair, peer intently at the ends, and snip the split ends. I do this with the door wide open, people. People walk past my office all day long, and I have zero doubt they all note the crazy girl staring at her hair with huge office scissors in her hand.

I realize that because I'm fairly quiet and work with a limited group of people here at The Law Firm, LLC, my reputation is entirely based on my quirks. From cutting my split ends to laughing for an inappropriate amount of time at an inappropriate level at emails my (wholly inappropriate) friends send me. Think about that - I'm quiet walking around, but they all hear me laughing maniacally behind the closed door. And I'm always printing/photocopying knitting patterns. Actually, I'm also "The Knitting Girl."

Ah, the sad thing is that I really can't help it. It's so soothing to divorce myself from my split ends. Knitting keeps me sane. And as for the laughing, I just have funny friends. What's a girl to do?

vive shame

2005-10-10T17:23:00.000-05:00

So I met Mr. Fabulous' parents this weekend. It went wonderfully - we picked apples at the apple orchard, got lost in the corn maze, ohh'ed over pumpkins in the pumpkin patch. Mr. Fabulous' dad loved me. I got a little q-t with his mom, and that went great, too. She bought me pumpkin butter. Seriously the best meeting-the-parents trip ever.

And then I puked. All over.

I had been feeling a tad iffy all day long. I hadn't eaten very much and taken some medicine that morning. When I thought I was about to pass out, my dear Mr. Fabulous bought me a brat. I had some crackers. I thought, okay, this will settle my stomach. I'm just starving from all the walking + no food. Okay, I'm good, I thought. I WILL be good.

Then we got into the car to go home. Mr. Fabulous was listing off the various places we could go to dinner ("Chinese, Italian, Indian, Mexican, Thai...") I looked over at him as he was talking and said, "I am very carsick."

He took one look at me and yanked the wheel over to the side of the road and I opened my door and retched into the grass. Retched! In front of his parents! While sitting in the front seat of their car!!! Thank god I didn't do it IN their car - they were driving from Minneapolis to Sioux Falls back home to their wee South Dakota town. If Mr. Fabulous hadn't pulled over, they would have driven in a Puke Car. And we all know that the puke smell never, ever comes out of cars. Ever. It's like cat pee - although I think I could argue puke is much more disgusting.

Thankfully, his mom is a nurse and his dad is a farmer, so they're pretty down with the throw up. They were totally nonplussed, which I appreciated more than I can say. Unfortunately, we went for seafood for dinner immediately afterwards. I'm sure I was more than a little green all night, but after some ghetto (but good) fish and fries, we went back to Mr. Fabulous' for some cards. It ended well, but I have zero doubt I'll forever be That Girlfriend Who Puked.

Sigh.

I suppose it could have been worse, right?

Yeah, I think not, too.

Ugh.

2005-10-07T11:00:00.000-05:00

It seems grossly unjust to not have an unlimited amount of PTO time from work to knit at will. I realize that statement is both whiny and annoying, but a girl can (indignantly) dream, right?

In other minor (and whiny) news, boys are hard. Not a new sentiment, but it always manages to catch me off-guard.

Today's happy picture - a baby alpaca.

no.

2005-10-06T16:16:00.000-05:00

Is it weird that Lion Brand patterns make me angry? Why do they insist on amazingly, shockingly ugly patterns?

I think Lion Brand secretly hates knitters. Sure, we're the hand that feeds them, but you know they just want to bite. Hence, their shitastic patterns.

you know what i like? cheese.

2005-10-06T12:06:00.000-05:00

Well, besides cheese, I also like being in mad crazy love, and knitting until my hands numb. Mr. Fabulous, my plucked-from-the-depths-of-perfection genderqueer honey has been occupying my brain and my time, hence, blogging has sadly fallen greatly behind. I've been a knitting fiend, though, and although my fabbo new cell phone takes pictures, I have no clue how to upload them.

For those like me with overactive imaginations, here are some descriptions:

1. Waterfalls scarf
Knit length-wise in light blue new wool thick-and-thin yarn, I put in some shots of a darker blue randomly. The fringe at the edges have both colors equally. The overall effect is water running around my neck and down my back. I get a lot of compliments on this baby, and threats of thievery from my sister. I like that.

2. Rainbow/Kind of Gay-Pride-y Hat
Black 2x2 ribbing shifts into a variegated rainbow thick-and-thin yarn (yeah, I'm on a kick). The rainbow is a little darker, so it's more subtle gay pride, rather that I'm Gay! Yay! kind of hat. Not that I'm Gay! Yay! is a bad hat to have, but you know what I'm saying.

3. Baby Sweater
Dark green mercerized cotton with some sort of crazy cool border/bottom. It's a top-down raglan, but I haven't decided what to do with the bottom yet. Nicky Epstein's Knitting Over the Edge has some cool ideas, but I haven't committed to any yet. We'll see, we'll see.

4. Washcloth Bonanza
My sweetie was all jealous of my friend Liz's knitting for her gf Kim. I asked him, "Well, what do you want?" He paused, looked seriously, and shyly said, "I really want washcloths." What a weird, practical bunny. So I'm currently in washcloth no. 2. He's getting some dishtowels and possibly a double-knit hot pad too, because I don't just do washcloths. He doesn't know what he's unleashed. Bonanza indeed.

Of course, my self-designed sweater (that looks eerily like the sweater I bought in Eddie Bauer three years ago) is moving slooowly along. I'd like to front and be all, "that baby'll be finished before Christmas!" but I know it won't. The Christmas knitting is already a tad overwhelming. Hence, I've found great amounts of solace in this: 1-877-767-5648 (toll-free in US and Canada). I love the Yarn Harlot. I really do.

More on Mr. Fabulous: sexy, normal (NORMAL!), funny, and super, super hot. Did I mention normal? And hot? I'm deeply excited about being with someone who has friends and their own life and goals and I can bring into public without being ashamed. I'm super proud to be dating him. He's Mr. Fabulous! How could I not be happy? I'm going to start volunteering because I seriously feel like I need to pay back this karmic debt. It's a little scary to be so lucky.

AND two nights ago I taught him to knit. HE WANTS TO KNIT. Seriously, I think I just came a little bit typing that. He's really good and we're going a'shoppin' for circs and some worsted so he can do a ribbed hat. Yes, he's ready for that! Amazing, I know.

uber hot

2005-08-15T17:01:00.000-05:00

why aren't today's knitting patterns presented in porn format? i feel cheated.

the first horseman of the apocalypse

2005-07-27T15:21:00.000-05:00

gaze upon the horror with your own eyes!

disturbing, yet soothing

2005-07-19T13:11:00.000-05:00

Choice tidbits from Minneapolis' Star
Tribune article on My Little Pony fanatics:

"Tamara Forsyth, 22, isn't the type of woman you'd expect to dress up like a pink pony. Forsyth has tattoos and piercings and her haircut is post-modern shaved.

"She's very alternative, as you can see," said her mother, Anna Simmons, of Winona.

But on her long train ride from Beaverton, Ore., to Winona, Forsyth cut little pink hearts out of cloth and sewed them onto a pair of pink cotton pants. In Winona, while visiting with her mom, she fashioned a mane and tail out of pink yarn. She became a punk rock version of her favorite pony.

Crossing her tattooed arms, Forsyth announced proudly: "I'm Snuzzle."

A cynic might think a punker like Forsyth attended to poke fun. She did not.

"I love the ponies," she said. In fact, she has more than 300 of them, most collected in childhood. She was partly drawn to them because of her aversion to Barbie dolls.

"I hated Barbie," she said. "Barbie creates an unrealistic role model for young girls. But for a little girl to play with ponies? It's not like they expect to grow up and be ponies."

She still plays with them on occasion. "I set them up in scenes and take pictures of them."
Not all her friends appreciate her hobby. "One friend said, 'They're scaring me, man. They're staring at me.' " "

Uh, yeah. She sets her ponies up in "scenes??" Sisterfriend, don't act like everyone's not into the SM lingo. What a dirty, dirty pony lover.

Also a favorite - a boyfriend of a pony fanatic says:

"I figure, if it makes her happy, I don't have any problem with it," he said. "I mean, it's just a toy. It's not like she's collecting severed fingers or something."

Why do I feel like he's said that many, many times? Maybe repeated that last bit over and over to himself? Sorry dude, your girlfriend is a whack job. Hopefully she's hot, but still, kind of crazy.

I realize those comments come from a girl who knits obsessively and loves Latin - but I just think that further enables me to recognize a fellow freak when I see one!

soooooo dirty

2005-07-18T09:35:00.000-05:00

compliments of my friend Rich:

You know that someone in the editing department had a good, long laugh over that. Dirty. I love it!

on my way to urban legend

2005-07-13T13:37:00.000-05:00

Distressingly, I've had hiccups three times today. I know that statement ought to be filed in the navel-gazing-pretentious-wanker realm of blogging, but good jesus, when I get hiccups I get scared. I worry, am I going to end up like that mysterious dude who had hiccups for seventeen years or whatever? What a complete pain in the ass that would be. I would really like to avoid that fate, or at least, fueling that urban legend by becoming it!

Me, only I'm not a white dude in a suit. The Twilight Zone-esque background is thoroughly correct, however:

ah, ick

2005-07-12T16:17:00.000-05:00

From cnn.com regarding Rep. Rick Santorum's (R-PA) new book:

In the book, Santorum makes the case that abortion puts the liberty rights of the mother before those of her child, just as the rights of slave owners were put before those of slaves.

"This was tried once before in America," Santorum writes. "But unlike abortion today, in most states even the slaveholder did not have the unlimited right to kill his slave."

Let's not forget the excellent noun, santorum, as coined by the lovely Dan Savage:

Santorum (n)
the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex

Rick is just so gross. I feel sorry for that frothy mix of lube and fecal matter - it's getting a raw deal by being hooked up with this asshole.

knitting is even tougher than i had hoped!

2005-07-12T15:45:00.000-05:00

I want everything these people have to sell.

On a completely unrelated note, I've had so many salt water taffys today I can feel my eyeballs vibrating in their sockets. Apparently I should cut back. Duly noted, eyeballs, duly noted.

beautiful

2005-07-12T15:27:00.000-05:00

Beautiful.

While our boy Karl may not have sold us out to the British, he sure as hell is worthy of a Benedict title if he did, indeed, gave out Plame's name in retribution for her husband's NY Times article.

Treason

(from yourdictionary.com)

1. Violation of allegiance toward one's country or sovereign, especially the betrayal of one's country by waging war against it or by consciously and purposely acting to aid its enemies.
2. A betrayal of trust or confidence.

[Middle English, from Anglo-Norman treson, from Latin trditi, trditin-, a handing over ; see tradition.]

Now, while I'm not sure that he violated definition number one (unless he secretly loves theIraqi insurgents), he sure as shit is knee-deep in definition number two.

oh london

2005-07-07T10:48:00.000-05:00

I heard about you, London. I'm thinking about you - I wish you guys the best of health and safety today and while you sort out this horrible mess.

I heard on the BBC this morning that the streets are filled with people, and that the feeling in London is dazed and surreal as everyone walks about in the streets without cars or buses, everyone on their cell phones, assuring their families that they're okay. That sounds exactly like New York on 9/11. I am so, so, so sorry to hear that scene is repeating itself. What a horrible history to repeat.

2005-07-01T10:59:00.000-05:00

This is from that big design show in Milan this year. A knit fence. There are no words.

sweet.

2005-07-01T10:56:00.000-05:00

You are DNA. You're a smart person, and you appear
incredibly complex to people who don't know
you. You're incomparably full of information,
and most of it is useless.

Which Biological Molecule Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

pride and shoes full of blood

2005-06-28T14:48:00.000-05:00

Minneapolis Pride was this weekend. It was surprisingly lovely - on Saturday I joined my father at Loring Park (he was manning the Multiple Sclerosis booth), and he and I walked all around, looking at the booths. He spotted and instantly feel into deep love of the Utilikilt, which I told him not to buy, "because Dad, you can't come to Pride with your gay daughter and go home with a skirt. You just can't. Mom'll kill me." However, I think he's slowly breaking my mother down into accepting the kilts someday presence in the family manor. Funny, considering this is a man who resolutely avoids pinks, salmons, purples, and anything vaguely "girly."

Sunday I volunteered for the Red Door Clinic and lured people in for the candy, and made them stay for the free HIV and syphilis testing. Really, really fun.

That said, aside from all of the fun and pride and condoms and whatnot, my feet declared war against me. ME, of all people. Don't I lovingly rub them nightly with that peppermint foot cream from Bath and Body Works? Don't I gently use my foot brush regularly to keep them clean and pretty? Don't I exclusively buy them Dansko and Born and other expensive shoes?

Yes, yes I do all that, but apparently it's not enough for the little fuckers. My sandals cut so deeply into my feet from walking around on Sunday, I have two angry gashes that require neosporin (or however that's spelled), bandaids, and flip flops (so nothing rubs against the gashes, neosporin, and the bandaids). Really, they look brutal and feel even worse.

I just don't know what to do with my feet anymore. They insist on cutting themselves like teenage girls and filling up their (expensive) shoes with blood. Maybe I should try counseling, or new peppermint lotion.

impossibly charming

2005-06-15T11:28:00.000-05:00

I sincerely love my nieces and nephews.

However, because there are SIX of them (three girls, three boys), I'm always anxious before they come over. Frankly, I dread their arrival.

It always gets better once they burst through the door though. The youngest are twin girls, and it's just incredible how aware they are of each other. They're still babies, but they will reach out and hold each other's hand. If I'm standing next to my older brother (their father) holding Twin1 while he's holding Twin2, Twin1 will inevitably reach out and rest her hand on her sister's shoulder, or maybe pat her sister's back. It's so fascinating to see them doing these seemingly learned behaviors like holding hands and patting backs, and realize that it's innate. And admittedly, they are very, very good looking babies (I think being born via C-section and not through the birth canal helped to not squish their heads into weird shapes).

But if they start talking in some whacko twin language, I'm going to be seriously disturbed.

the silence

2005-06-14T21:14:00.000-05:00

I work with a lovely, lovely woman. Let's call her Coworker. I like her so much, I even threw her a baby shower (more on that later). The one thing that really confuses me about her, though, is her conversation style. I expect pauses between speakers occasionally, but Coworker just waits for me to speak. All the time. Incessantly. She pauses so much our conversations become The Elizabeth Show, where I just blather on and on and on, make myself laugh, and work out therapy-like things. It's SO odd. I tried pausing once to make her speak when we were on the phone, but the pause went on for so long I just caved. I couldn't handle the expectant silence. Why? What is that all about? What is she waiting for me to say???

Coworker's baby shower: I knit her a simple lavender raglan sweater and a matching cloche-shaped hat in some cheapo superwash stuff. Cute, simple, easy. Now, I expected the ladies at the shower to react with something like, "hey, nice work Elizabeth! Wow, you knit that? Neat!" You know, the normal kind of response to knit gifts.

What I got was nice, but completely scary. One woman pounded on the table with the flat of her hand as she shouted, "EVERYTHING here today you will THROW AWAY, but THAT, THAT YOU WILL KEEP FOREVER." Another woman said in a hushed voice, "I hope my present isn't opened after yours. That is truly magnificent." Um, what? I mean, thanks, but jesus christ, ease up, okay? Coworker told me after the shower, looking at me dead in the eye, "When my daughter is too old for that sweater and hat, I'm going to mount it and frame it so she can see it when she's grown." What? What is wrong with these people? It's nice, I appreciate it, but holy fuck, it's kind of freaking me out. Everyone at work loves me now. Did I infuse that sweater with airborne crack? Apparently so.

The sweater pattern, by the way, can be found here. Please note its utter simplicity. If I had done fair isle, NO, intarsia color work, I have zero doubt someone would have shit their pants. Ew.

The hat is here. Again, so easy.

like the babysitter's club, but different

2005-06-09T16:54:00.000-05:00

"I can't come to dinner right now, Mom! I've got my secret club meeting tonight! Don't worry, we're a club that's all about SAFETY, Mom!"

The Globe and Mail has moved their "Safe Sex Club" article into their big money archives, so here's the gist:

Small town Canada: Kids in the "Safe Sex Club" log into their computers, drop trou, and spank spank spank away for their respective safe sex partners.

Wow, back in my day, girls were all embarrassed about changing in front of one another in front of the locker rooms. I'm sure with the advent of the Safe Sex Club, that's all changed, right? Teenage body angst is gone? Yeah, right.

I always suspected the hot jocks and their hot girlfriends did shit like this. Sweet confirmation!

sunday night

2005-06-05T22:28:00.000-05:00

On Sunday evenings, I tend to dread the thought of work in the morning. Right now I'm coming up with creative ways to get out of work:

1. I'm sick, "hack hack," i.e. The Classic

Okay, that's about all I have. Really, does one need more than that? I think not.

That said, I know I'll be rolling into the workplace. I need the money.

Although, frankly, I knew girls in college who used Craigslist to hook themselves out. Now if only if women would pay out like the menfolk...

Ehhh... maybe not.

i almost beat up the cardiologist... and that would have been the nicest thing for us all.

2005-06-04T11:00:00.000-05:00

So a new, distressing development to all my lovely Graves' Disease stuff is that I'm getting crazy heart palpitations. Again. Now, there's been many Graves' symptoms that have been bothersome post-radiation - like the fatigue, the hair loss, the seemingly unavoidible weight gain. But heart palpitations? I'm sorry, but there are some body processes that should just work, and your heartbeat is definitely one of them. Logically enough, I decided to go to an internist and get this shizit all checked up and out. My mom, who just about knows every doctor in Minneapolis, told me to go to this one clinic. I checked it out, it looked good. She gave me some names. when I called the clinic, of course, those docs were booked until the second coming.

"But you can see Dr. Stevens. He's our on-staff cardiologist," the receptionist said (not his real name).

"Is he a more senior doctor?" I asked. I really wanted to see an old bastard doctor, one who knows what's going on.

"Oh my god! He's definitely senior," she laughed.

In retrospect, that should have bothered me. That should have been ominious. I just took it as a sign I was seeing some old dude. Christ, did I ever.

Dr. Stevens was 45 minutes late, but I was knitting and happily away from work, so I didn't really mind. Well, I did mind, but I really wanted to see someone about my heart. When Old Man River walked in, he was also Mr. Combative. I'm no dumbass. I know what's up with my Graves', my treatment, my body. I became Ms. Combative, and I thought I was doing rather well explaining myself and making myself heard. Apparently he thought so, too, because then he started with the, "You are a VERY well-spoken young lady. A VERY well-spoken young lady." I was sort of suprized and a little embarrassed, so I just said, "Um, thanks."

This is when shit started to get weird. Old Man River then said, "NO! You are a VERY well-spoken young lady. You're a decent person. And you know what? That's hard to come by these days. You're VERY intelligent."

I was definitely weirded out. He was super intense about all of this. I said, "Yeah, thanks. I'll pass it along to my parents." I didn't know what to say.

Then he said, "I'm going to listen to your heart now." He yanked my shirt up, pushed my bra aside, and laid his stethoscope on my heart. I was like, "Okay, old doctor. He's too old to be hitting on me, right?" It didn't feel sexual, it was just... fucking weird. Like, a little warning before you start pulling on my clothes? I usually get more warning from girls before we sleep together.

He listened. I'm sure my face was priceless. He said, "I can't really figure this all out in a 15 minute time slot. I'm going to have to give you a complete exam." I thought, what kind of exam? Why do I feel like he wants to give me a gyno exam, too? We talked a little bit more about my Graves' shit, and he said, "Okay, I'm going to call this in. Are you married? Single? What?" I knew he meant he was going to call in his dictation and that he actually needed my marital status because that's a part of that. So I said, truthfully, "I'm single and I live with my parents." He called his dictation in.

Now maybe it's time to recap some things:
1. When he walked in, I was knitting a baby hat. Very domestic of me, I know.
2. I was wearing a super cute skirt. Very femme of me, I know.
3. We've already established his opinion of me as a "VERY decent, VERY well-spoken, and VERY intelligent young lady."
4. I'm single, and like a good girl, I live with my parents.

I was cruising for what came next.

He got off the phone, looked at me, smiled, and asked, "So, you got a boyfriend?"

Instant ultra-discomfort on my part, "No, I'm not dating anyone."

His smile turned knowing, "But can you cook?"

I almost went ape-shit. I wanted to stab this man. I mean, he doesn't fucking know me! And do I cook? Fuck you, Old Man River!

I smiled sweetly, "Well, actually, I'm a lesbian, so things are a little different for me."

His eyes just about popped out of his fat fucking head.

"ARE YOU SURE?" he asked.

"Are you sure you're a straight white man?" I asked back.

He took a different turn at this, "You know, my niece says she's a.... (hands twitter) ....a lesbian, and I say, why classify yourself like that? Why not just be normal?"

Stabbing him was becoming a better idea by the minute.

I looked at him dead in the eye, and said, "I guess the ONLY thing that ANY of us can do is BE OURSELVES. I can only be myself. Can you understand that?" The "you total fucking moron" at the end of that was implied.

He stood up, walked out of the room, and didn't talk to me for the rest of the appointment.

Fuck you, Old Man. I win. Fuck you.

When I got home that evening, I told my mom, "Yeah, I saw Dr. Stevens today." She almost busted a gut and said, "What?!! That man should be retired. He's about 85-88 years old!"

Yeah. He should be retired.

I'm just glad I stood up for myself, that I didn't just take the shit he dished out. I don't care how fucking old you are, you don't get to treat me like a second-class citizen. And do I cook? Yeah, I eat pieces of shit like you for lunch.

(Billy Madison flashback, "You eat pieces of shit?" Too funny)

Even though the tenor of this post is self-rightous anger, I'm actually laughing as I write this. What an old bastard! I'm glad to have fucked with his head. Ahhh... bigots are so stupid.

i can handle random.

2005-05-26T12:30:00.000-05:00

this quiz gets points for being so pointlessly random. it tells me nothing about myself or the world at large - but i was still compelled to take it, and even more compelled to post it.

You're a little gold key, and you unlock other
people's hearts. Your kindness and willingness
to be there for those you care about lets
people open up to you knowing they will be
accepted. People will rely on you, but be
careful not to give more than you have.

What sort of key are you and what do you unlock?
brought to you by

yes, i know, i'm psychic

2005-05-23T17:23:00.000-05:00

in case you were wondering, "is it essential for me to see the drew barrymore/jimmy fallon movie fever pitch? will my life be a hollow shell without that romantic comedy in life?"

i'm here to say: no, my friend. it's not essential. it's not even recommended. drew barrymore has great hair and accessories, however. if you're really into hair and accessories and don't need plot or substance or even coherent thought in a movie, then by all means, go see it. but again, for everyone else - not essential.

thank you. consider my public duty fulfilled. i'll now go back to rogue knitting and setting things on fire. well, i'll knit. the fire part, not so much (not at all, actually). i sounded tough, though, right?

the best of youth

2005-05-22T18:58:00.000-05:00

overheard coming out of best buy today:

16-year-old off-season snowboarder to his eerily similar looking off-season snowboarder friend:

"dude, milo's mom is still pretty hot even after them. i bet she could pop out a few more and still look good."

ah, youth.

loyalty comes at the worst possible time...

2005-05-20T19:01:00.000-05:00

the countdown has started at work.

the weekend of july 15th i head to lovely ontario to find an apartment, tour my (my!) school, meet some professors lurking around.

i'm thinking about leaving the law firm around late-ish august.

naturally, now is the only time that i have ever, ever felt guilty for leaving a job. i've worked since the tender age of 15. in fact, i was so eager to work i got TWO jobs at 15. the first job - hostess at perkins. yeah, not so much. much to the manager's chagrin, i just stopped showing up for work. i hated that job, i was extremely frightened of the old, wrinkled waitresses who reeked of smoke and whose hands trembled. i can still hear his voice on the phone, exasperated, "i don't care that you quit, i just need you to tell me these things." sorry, perkins dude. the second job - dissembling computers for recycling. that was fantastic. the recycling plant consisted of me, some jaded hipster guys who read foucault and introduced me to things i'd never thought about (like pinups and penis piercings. obviously, i was way more fascinated by the pinups. go figure.), and juvenile delinquents court-ordered to do community service who totally hated me. i just liked ripping things apart and throwing shit around in bins. for a 15 year old, there are few finer things.

but i digress. my previous job was horrid. i was terribly sick with grave's disease but didn't know it, and thought i was just having a mental breakdown. not so fun. this job started along the same vein. i was still sick (pre-radiation), and the work was looking to be about the same thing - gloried file clerk.

but now, oh, now it's morphed into a lovely research gig where i learn about industries and companies and people and finances and write research reports for attorneys. that sounded somewhat dull, didn't it? i like it anyway. i like being asked by smart people, 'hey, what is X all about? what can you tell me about it?" then finding out all about it and defending my research. i like making senior partners in the firm acknowlege that i'm smart, that i'm thorough, that i know what i'm doing. i like arguing with litigators. i like using my brain and then pushing people around. really, what's better?

i wouldn't feel so badly, however, if i didn't already know that i'm leaving when my supervisor is all worked into a lather about my preggers coworker/friend who'll be popping out her baby in a few months. i know that i'm going to leave them short. i know they've dumped a shitload of training into my brain, and they're encouraging me to get my mba. they were really good to me when i needed to cut back my hours after my second dose of radiation.

i guess i just need to accept that i can't please them, that my loyalty is ultimately to myself. maybe this is all a sign that society has done a fantastic job of molding me into the type of woman who wants to please everyone, who doesn't want to make anyone mad, who doesn't like to upset her superiors. fuck that, i say! i'm going to grad school. i'm going to be a professor. fuck, i hope to be the kind of professor who has the reputation for being super fucking tough and super fucking smart.

now if i could only shake the residual guilt...

sigh.

i want, i NEED

2005-05-12T13:22:00.000-05:00

this is the only car i've ever wanted in my whole life.

europe seems so far, oh so terribly far away...

valentine

2005-05-11T10:17:00.000-05:00

have you ever had the kind of day where the news is dreary and the weather's miserable and all you want is to buy some happiness in yarn and shoes but you're completely broke?

that was yesterday.

BUT, my boy rich randomly sent me a copy of his school picture ( i should mention he's a teacher, not a student) and it totally made my day. rich and i met at NYU and even though he's in new jersey now and i'm in minneapolis - and he's moving to london next year and i'm moving to ontario - we have both judiciously agreed that we're destined to live together in a nonchalantly fabulous apartment while wearing amazing clothing, and hosting salons with witty, interesting people. i also suspect the pantry will be a popular place for torrid affairs. he's so cute.

i'd rather have continuous heart attacks than not knit.

2005-05-03T13:13:00.000-05:00

these past few weeks have been particularly knitting intensive for me. i'm trying to finish up a surprise gift for a friend, and getting ready to start up a baby sweater for a pregnant friend at work. i also have heroic plans to decrease my stash, but that's in the distant future.

however, i thought that with all my knitting and typing at work i had pinched a nerve. my left arm was all annoyingly tingly. when it got to the point i couldn't ignore it anymore, i asked my mom (an np), "yo, mom, i think i either pinched a nerve in my left arm or i'm having constant heart attacks. what's going on?"

my mom played around with my arm and asked how much i've been knitting lately. i got all red and flustered... "um, a lot?" i told her.

she gave me a BIG eyeroll, "elizabeth, you're giving yourself TENDINITIS. stop knitting."

i told her that i'd rather have incessant heart attacks.

but now that i've given my hands a few days off, i'm diving back into the fray tonight. someday i'll have a digital camera to post my knitting victories, but when i'm done with my surprise gift i'll post the pic and the site where i found the pattern. it's lovely, i'm proud of myself!

autochthonous

2005-05-03T09:39:00.000-05:00

this is my new favorite word. you can listen to a man's melodious tones pronouncing it here.

i really need to introduce it into spontaneous conversation.

from my word-of-the-day calendar:

autochthonous
adj.
1. indigenous, native
*2. formed or originating in the place where found

*Gaelic is not autochthonous to the Scottish Highlands; it was imported from Ireland after the fifth century, replacing the Pictish language.

Ancient Athenians considered their ancestors the primordial inhabitants of their land, as if sprung from the very soil of the region they inhabited. Autochthon*, their word for any true-born Athenian, itself sprang from auto-, meaning "self," and chthon**, meaning "earth." Nowadays, the English adjective "autochthonous" is most likely to be used in somewhat meaty scientific or anthropological writing (as in "several autochthonous cases of fever broke out in the region"), but it was a "bready" context in which it made its debut. Observed English literary critic William Taylor in 1805: "The English have this great predilection for autochthonous bread and butter."

nerdy word fun for everyone! yipee!

*elizabeth's comment: the second "o" has a flat line above it, but i can't get blogger to put it in for me.
**elizabeth's comment: "o" with that line again

you owe me.

2005-05-02T16:10:00.000-05:00

here, let me save you a few dollars: solely based upon previews, "Herbie: Fully Loaded" is not about cars, or families, or whatever patently soothing moral they're selling.

SPOILER AHEAD

really, the plot can be summed up in nine words: "man, lindsay lohan looks hot in a tiny t-shirt."

you can thank me later. really, i feel i'm doing a public service. i just saved you gas money, ticket money, popcorn money, and god knows whatever else you spend your money on. unless, of course, that plot synopsis sounds pretty good to you. (then i'll see you in line at the theatre, you perv.)

hardcore, like me

2005-05-01T22:33:00.000-05:00

feel it.

but margaret, why?

2005-04-30T15:06:00.000-05:00

margaret atwood's "life before man" is the literary equivalent of taking a small, sharp rock and bashing it against your head over and over until your skull is an oozing, weeping pulp.

usually, i'm an ardent fan of atwood. i think her last book, 'the blind assassin,' is nimbly written. deft, even. it's smart. i usually dislike the 'book-within-a-book-within-a-book' motif; it's generally clumsy and confusing. but she held such command over her stories and her characters it was breathtaking. i was totally absorbed when i read that book, and i got that high that comes from reading something that really, really cooks. you know that high? i love that feeling. i had it all the time when i was a kid, but as i've read and learned and started pulling books apart, it doesn't happen with every book anymore. and i felt it with 'the blind assassin.'

i disliked 'life before man' not because the characters are unsympathetic. and i didn't mind the meandering plot. i objected to the idea that seemed to wind itself around every facet of the text, every action of the characters, every motive that was placed before the reader: there is no hope, that we survive merely because survival has become routine. i objected to the idea that there is no beauty, there is no joy, there is no real connection possible with another human being. if i were to paint a portrait of humankind based upon this book, i would have have an entirely black canvas. provocative, maybe, but really boring after awhile.

the symbolism was heavy-handed and redundant. two of the main characters work in a science museum. one, lashia, is obsessed with dinosaurs and loves to envision herself in the dinosaur world - but always as a spectator, never a participant. in one scene she imagines herself to be an acorn hanging on a tree. she's also torn between her jewish/ukrainian heritage. blah blah blah, we get it - lashia has no home, no land or even time to call her own, and accordingly, no sense of self. hit me with a brick next time - it'll be faster and i can avoid the library late fines. the other, elizabeth, is a manager at the museum, removed from the science but nevertheless entangled in this "cycle of life" bullshit. there's a cycle of life? really? hakuna mata, everyone! so that's what the lion king and a million other pop culture/religious messages were saying! wowzers! elizabeth was essentially sold to her aunt by her mother, her sister drowned herself in 2" of water, her former lover blew his brains out. elizabeth is a shell of a human being. so what does she do? she makes her ex-husband nate buy his access to their children! she lays on her bed like a corpse! she removes herself from life! my god, WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN??? these people have surrounded themselves with death, or death has surrounded them. they make no movement towards living. seemingly everyone either commits suicide or should or really really wanted to at some point. and nate, of course, is a lawyer-turned-toy maker who neglects his children. blah blah blah. again, color me bored. you know what? life does suck. it's messy and we hurt each other and we hurt ourselves. and yeah, no one will ever know us like we know ourselves. but that doesn't mean that there isn't love. it doesn't negate the good that we do (don't worry, atwood tries with nate's mother... aw, but that's stupid too).

i'm getting myself worked up. i'm reading ivanhoe now. and you know what? i LIKE reading a book where the author is clearly enjoying himself. and you know what's even crazier? i LIKE being alive in this world. argh, that book annoyed me beyond belief. atwood is usually more subtle than that. i found nothing in this book to redeem it.

and the real burn? because i had to drag myself through it, i now owe the library 3 dollars in late fines. fuck!

UPDATE: holy fuck is ivanhoe anti-semitic. jesus, i'm embarrassed to have read this book in public. i'm even more embarrassed to have said i liked it in a public forum. fucking gross. the fight scenes? good. the rest of the book? fucking horrible.

food with zero fights

2005-04-30T14:38:00.000-05:00

i just had lunch with my mom & my sister at hell's kitchen, which is interestingly enough a family favorite. my relationship with my sister can only be described as tense. maybe contentious, even. she has an amazing lack of social skills, which translates to "i want you to love me and be my friend even as i'm calling you a fucking asshole bitch." um, psycho? it doesn't work that way. really. it just doesn't.

but, she went to med school and you know what you have to take in med school these days? bedside manner classes. they teach you how to socialize. what seems completely common sense to me was a much-needed learning experience for her. and you know what? it's helped her. she has friends now, which i've never, ever known her to have. never. can you imagine going through life totally friendless? how fucked up is that? she's no longer a total psycho bitch that i want to throw out a window whenever i see her. i mean, there are times where i have a sudden realization that i'm gripping my butter knife with white knuckles while i'm staring her down, but it's better than before where i had to actively, studiously avoid the butter knife.

lunch was better than i had thought it was going to be. having a job she loves and friends has made her less abrasive. she still sucks, but good lord, it's better than before. i could even eat with her! before she just made me want to throw up so badly that i couldn't (i know i tend to exaggerate, but that last bit is wholly serious).

now, the scandal: i was always the pretty, gregarious, skinny sister. well, "skinny" is a relative term. but skinnier than her, anyway. and let's be real - that was an important factor for me. even though i realize it's completely sexist and an asshole thing to think, i was really smug about being smaller.

and then graves' disease hit me blindside. and not just, 'oh miss, you have graves disease, let's take care of that,' oh nooooo, i have the "JESUS CHRIST!" kind of graves' disease. do i ever do anything half-measure? oh noooo, and neither does my thyroid, apparently. two rounds of radiation and one terrifying throat closing episode of radioactive thyroiditis later, i've gained some weight. i'm within the "normal" weight gain of graves' disease/radiation index, but as i've gained my little weight, my sister started working out. what. the. fuck. now she's lost 40 lbs and is almost my size. i'm terrified. i don't want to be the fat sister! aaaahhhhh!

superficial? yes. sexist? yes. stupid? not if i feel this anxious about it. so even though i'm dead tired still from the radiation, i've been hitting the gym again. my lovely, german/norwegian farm-girl muscles have atrophied, which sucks beyond belief, but I MUST WIN.

god, that's psycho.

p.s. graves' info - and can i say that if you see anything about yourself in this description, just get checked. it's so easy. just do it. graves' blows. it fucked up my heart, it fucked up my eyes, it fucked up my entire life for awhile there. what a bitch.

ha.

2005-04-28T12:41:00.000-05:00

I am:
-3%
Republican.

"You're a damn Commie! Where's Tailgunner Joe when we need him?"

Are You A Republican?

swedish domination

2005-04-27T12:26:00.000-05:00

from today's minneapolis star tribune:

"The company, which said Tuesday that it plans to open a 23,000-square-foot store in the Mall of America early this fall, is both affordable and chic -- a place where even young women on student-loan budgets can build designer wardrobes."

"The company" is the mega cheap, mega chic h&m. in a way, i'm a little sad it's coming to minnesota. granted, it's lovely and affordable and i can get my fix of weird jewelry without going destitute, but it's just such an east coast store. minnesotans are practical. minnesotans aren't chic. i mean, socks with sandals is a completely respectable clothing option here!

this is why i'm sad - while minnesotans are not the most fashion forward kind of people, there's a freedom of expression and an healthier body acceptance here than in, say, new york. i'm afraid that the minnesotan style is going to be lost. i don't want to see assimilation forced upon women. i don't want to have the stress of not being cool enough, thin enough, high fashion-y enough like i had in new york. i could feel that anxiety peeling away the longer i was in minnesota.

in my mind, the differences between new york/minnesota clothing culture was clearly found in the YMCA women's locker room. in new york, the girls (smooth brows, toned bodies, even creepily on 45-year-olds) came in with short-shorts, low cut tops, high heels. they'd undress and immediately wrap themselves with their towel. the private shower stalls were always full, and women would quietly mill around waiting for one to open up (rather than shower in the open public showers). they'd dry off quickly, discreetly and whip their clothes on.

in minneapolis, on the other hand, the women would come in with their ankle-length skirts, socks with sandals, turtlenecks, sweaters with seasonal motifs. they'd undress, slip on their flip flops, walk into the sauna bare-assed. they'd chat with their friends naked. the private shower stalls were always unused. in fact, i'd wonder why the ladies had to put on their makeup and dry their hair naked. can't you even put on a pair of underwear?, i'd think. and their bodies were soft, doughy, wrinkled - normal. a lot of them are middle-aged and beyond. there was a complete lack of shame, of excusing the cellulite and lumps. and you know what? i didn't care either. i didn't care about my rolls and cellulite either. how amazing is that?

i'm worried that with h&m coming in, with this idea of chic chic chic entering the marketplace, that particular freedom is going to be lost. i don't want those ladies in the minneapolis locker room to get botox, or to slave away on the elliptical. i don't want them to be ashamed of their bodies like the new yorkers were. i don't want that pressure on them.

sigh.

still nervous about those canadians

2005-04-25T20:58:00.000-05:00

so.

i'm trying to learn the metric system. apparently it's impossible when you have 25 years of training in the wacky american system. and apparently i need online conversion tools for everything to survive. when i order meat at the grocery store in canada, do you think it'd be weird to boot up the laptop and tell the butcher, "yeah, that'll be a minute, buddy. you do use minutes here, right?" ahhh, blind panic. an old and familiar friend.

but i have learned that i am 177 cm tall. and my answer for "how much do you weigh?" is the ever-constant, "none of your goddamn business. why do you have to judge women based on their weight, you sexist fucking asshole?" of course, this could lead to a possibly embarrassing situation when i'm filling out forms in immigration. i'll play it by ear.

also: toque = hat, check
chesterfield = couch, check
zed = zee

got it.

oh, and joe - we minnesotans get the igloo stuff. actually, it's more like "do you have running water in your igloo?" and i'm up on the hockey front as to hate hockey here is to risk expulsion from the state. i feel for you, brother. canadian/minnesotan solidarity - i'm counting on that.

rainy days and mondays, etc.

2005-04-25T20:53:00.000-05:00

woke up to gloomy monday drizzle. my options this morning felt like:

1. cyanide, and lots of it
2. finding a sugar momma right quick
3. not showering, going into work so late it might as well be tomorrow
4. slowly draggggging my body out of bed, slowly draggggging it into the shower, etc. etc.

option no. 4 won out, but i felt that 1-3 had real possibility.

pa

2005-04-22T18:47:00.000-05:00

...and for another reason why i love my father: he openly cheers on janeane garofalo during her show on air america. as in, "whooo! you tell 'em, janeane! that's right!" and then he chuckles and nods his head vigorously in agreement.

janeane - in the off chance that you ever google yourself and see what the pages in the back are saying about you, know that there's a middle-aged white man in middle america who adores you. as in, he quotes you with a huuuuge smile on his face. incessantly, in fact.

actually, now that i think about it, if he doesn't stop loving you, i'm going to have to update this to read, "...and for another reason why my father is annoying..."

will wonders never cease

2005-04-22T15:43:00.000-05:00

it never ceases to amaze me exactly how people live their lives...

i feel the need for speed (actually, not really)

2005-04-22T15:22:00.000-05:00

i feel the need to post something non-catholic church related because... well... i just do. there's this - so i'm a nice queer femme. i like me some butches, genderqueers, transguys. everyone clear? okay then.

but but but, there's this guy at the sub shop where i occasionally get a cheap sandwich at lunch (the jimmy john's on 9th street in downtown minneapolis, for those who care) and honestly, i'm interested. and when i say interested, clearly i mean in "that way."

now, i'm a gold-star girl, i've only kissed two (biological)men in my lifetime (i was 16 and trying really hard to be straight), but that's the end of my sexual experience with the straight boys. but there's something about this solid hipster with the dark hair and the glasses and the nicely broad shoulders that gets me going.

maybe i'm just bored? maybe it's been awhile since i've had some good, attentive, back-scratching lovin'? maybe it's the spring?

in any event, he's cute and i've decided to be okay with that. it's not like i'd ever hit on him, and i sincerely doubt that he'll ever hit on me. it's to be a wee little crush then. that's normal, right?

la chiesa

2005-04-22T14:55:00.000-05:00

so everyone's bored with the catholic church by now. well, i guess there are some people who aren't (i.e. my crazy conservative catholic older brother, he's still pretty damn interested), but whatever.

the ny times's magazine this weekend included a sweet little article from colm toibin, which managed to be a hug with a too hard slap on the back about La Chiesa. my favorite parts, like the choice morsels of animal flesh at a banquet, are laid out for you...

on the ever-so-common "i'm a catholic but... (insert here: i'm gay, i'm a feminist, i support a woman's right to choose abortion, i think condoms should be handed out en masse in high schools, etc), toibin says,

What has happened among Catholics in developed and overdeveloped societies is that they have chosen the parts of the faith that matter to them and rejected the others. They have followed Jesus and the Catholic hierarchy on the primacy of love: they take care to love their spouses and partners, their children, their families, their neighbors as they love God. They worship with this as their primary motive.

They may also, with no bad conscience, use artificial contraception, vote for abortion rights candidates in elections, fall in love a second time and, should they be gay, refuse to deny their sexuality. They do not see these matters as central to their spirituality. Thus the church remains central to them; it is not just a place for baptisms, weddings and funerals. They will listen to it when it preaches about love, but not when it dictates on matters that they believe to be marginal to the message of Jesus.

the italics are mine, of course.

i love mass. i particularly love midnight mass on christmas morning, when the streets are still except for the lines of cars heading to the church. i love the crowds at that odd hour, i love the strength of the choir. the church feels so warm and intimate and massive, all at the same time. it's a marvel to me that in france, in belize, in uganda, in japan, wherever there are catholics, there is midnight mass on christmas full of bells and songs and hope. that's gorgeous.

i also hate the church's policy that because i'm queer as the day is long, female, feminist, and happy with myself, i'm essentially persona non grata to them. the church, frankly, hates my existence. it's so weird to me that jp2 said that we shouldn't hate gay people, per se, but we should hate the sin. so, the church says, "i don't mind that you're gay... but would you cut out all the "gay stuff" that you do?" um, guys, that's totally psychotic.

and thinking about jesus and whatnot, i'm a biblical scholar. well, i'll officially be a biblical scholar in the fall. so right now i guess one could say the church history is a hobby of mine. and i believe that there was a scrappy little guy from the boondocks of galilee who pissed off the right wing and (heh), rose a little hell in the process. do i believe that his mom just woke up preggers with him one morning? no. that's just silly. do i believe that he turned over the money changers tables at the temple? yeah, that'd piss off those in charge right quick.

i do believe that he was special, that he was charismatic and smart and a grrrreat PR man. i believe that he inspired people to make social and spiritual change. that's no small feat. and i believe that the existence of a person like that in history can give a small little queer lady like me hope. that there's hope for change. that there's hope for us all.

but this is far too heavy. here's a funny picture of our new boy ratzinger.

so funny, i snorted when i saw it.

the manolo, he is indeed the super fabulous.

p.s.

2005-04-14T16:19:00.000-05:00

between all of my whining and worrying about grad school, i have very vivid fantasies of falling in instant and enduring love with a gorgeous canadian veterinarian.*

stranger things have happened, right?

*my tiny canadian university has a large vet program. the idea of me meeting a gorgeous canadian queer vet isn't so crazy, okay? the instant and enduring love, of course, is the crazy part.

anxiety is rather unsavory

2005-04-14T16:02:00.000-05:00

i've started the tussle with the financial aid people at my Tiny Canadian University (TCU). i've admirably pushed aside my severe loathing of all things involving papers, numbers, and signatures. what document has ever been created with those three elements that was filled with light and air? i'm sure some gay divorcees could tell me, but as it stands, i despise paperwork.

also, while the folks at TCU seem nice, my fears of graduate school have whittled down to this single, solitary question:

What if nobody wants to be my friend?

even writing that seems ridiculous. i'm reasonably intelligent, i have hobbies, i floss daily. really, i don't think i'm an embarrassment to humanity. i'm not some giant waste of carbon.

but still, that question dogs me. i think back on that little fat girl with the too-large glasses and too-small American Tail sweatshirt ("somewhere... out there...") whose best friends were madeleine l'engle characters. i really haven't changed wildly since then. i picked up a little (badly needed) fashion sense when i lived in milan and new york and updated my glasses. whoo, i even have contacts now. i've sustained solid adult friendships that i cherish. but i'm still impossibly nerdy, i still love characters from books, and i still love school more than i ought.

and my stomach twists at the thought of lunch on the first day of school. where will i go? should i brown bag it and eat my little sandwich under a tree? i've never gone to a small school before - huge suburban high school to humungo city university to largest private university in all the land. what if their rules are different? will i pick up on the etiquette?

maybe i should just knock back a few before i leave the apartment that day, hm?

actually... that idea has some merit... oh alcohol - the social lubricant of choice since the dawn of time. well, since the dawn of grapes and honey and wheat and hops, at any rate.

the new knitty.com!

2005-04-13T12:12:00.000-05:00

how could i neglect to mention that the new knitty is up and running? the 'branching out' scarf looks simply fabulous. i'm determined to finish some other projects first (the cathode sweater and a reversible cable scarf for a friend), but i swear, 'branching out' will be mine. oh yes.

talking to myself

2005-04-13T11:34:00.000-05:00

so i've decided to formally begin "blogging" and whatnot. i'm at work. it's slow. why not chatter away to myself? it seems sensible to me. i'm always holding conversations in my head anyway - it might be healthy to let some of them out sometimes. also, blogging reeks of pretentious self-absorption, which admittedly always makes me a little weak in the knees.

onward and upward:

sweet idaho. i feel a special kinship towards idaho as i'm a minnesotan in minnesota, and i know how it feels to be a big state that's forgotten by the coasts. it's farm country. i imagine the people to be hearty. minnesotans are hearty farmers. hell, if we were living 100 years ago i'd be a hearty farmer. now, of course, i'm just a hearty financial researcher going to grad school in canada in the fall for medieval history. clearly, times have changed. well, i'm still quite hearty.

idaho's new thing is the bill that's currently in their Ways and Means committee in their house. it seeks to formally commend the guys who made napoleon dynamite. you said you wanted a delicious quote from the bill? oh, it's choice all right:

WHEREAS, any members of the House of Representatives or the Senate of the Legislature of the State of Idaho who choose to vote "Nay" on this concurrent resolution are "FREAKIN' IDIOTS!" and run the risk of having the "Worst Day of Their Lives!"

i couldn't begin to make this up: http://www3.state.id.us/oasis/HCR029.html

it's nice to see the idaho legislators working on something besides white supremacists and potatoes. their sense of relief is so clear in this bill, it's actually rather endearing.

hm

2004-10-25T15:39:00.000-05:00

i don't really blog. no, really.